Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
