his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
