i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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