You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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