Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i think i have herpe
just one?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
