Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
