Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
