It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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