If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
