so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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