party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
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