How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
