Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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