Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
