Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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