what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
