Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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