Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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