if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
