Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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