i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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