remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
