apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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