census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
