you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
