I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
