Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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