I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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