Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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