I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
