She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
