She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
