i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
