Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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