I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
