Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
