Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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