You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
