I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
