i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
