and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
