overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
