I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
God, I missed his penis.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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