We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
