Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
