whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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