apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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