So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
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Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
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He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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