dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
