how can u be prego again
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
