I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
