Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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