My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
