$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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