my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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