How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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