Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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